Afternoons like these make me feel gloomy. I have a reason for feeling this way.
I feel like I’ve lost all the people dear to me. I’m down.
What hurts me the most right now is knowing that my gentleman has given up on me, and that he’s seriously trying to move on. It was all my fault and I am to blame.
I have to accept where life is leading me now, and I’m thinking far away – I cannot continue my studies anymore here. I lost inspiration.
I’ll do this by myself. Things are really getting out of hand.
First, my friend leaves. Then my best friend is just my best friend. And now, I am no one to my gentleman. I cannot pretend to be happy when all I am right now is a devastated ME.
Help?
> I'm not giving up
My friend is leaving for America tomorrow morning indefinitely. At some point I wasn’t really sad that she’s leaving. I’m actually glad knowing that leaving would be for her own good… her future. Time spent with her was indeed limited, and I wish that we never really had that misunderstanding before, but it’s all good now. I’m optimistic for my friend.
Late today, I was able to tell my true feelings for slok. It wasn’t expected, but he asked me know why I’m misbehaving like this. He has the right to know anyway. It was such a relief that was able to get it off my system. And now, I truly understand what I need to be right now to him and to the people affected. He’s my bestfriend now, and whatever happens: no strings attached. We’re cool. That’s all that matters.
I guess all of these things happen for a reason. I should stop hurting my gentleman and continue on what we had before. I guess that’s the best thing to do. I wouldn’t replace three long years because I’m blinded on what really is “us”. I know he wants me back, and believe me when I say that I’ll do anything to love him back. He’s important to me. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Three years is senseless if I give up on him now.
> Speechless
"Ito na ang pinakamalungkot na araw sa buong buhay ko.
Tulungan ninyo ako para makalimutan ko sha."
> Just to see him smile
I’m lying on the same bed he slept three nights ago. Memories keep on flashing. I’m just glad that we’re cool about all of these. Funny how we’ve gone this close. It’s special and yet wrong.
If only I could, I would send this message to him like I did 4 years ago… yes, I’ve kept it all throughout the years:
“Given the chance, I would fall inlove with you all over again though I know the way the story ends… and even after all the hurt you brought, even after all the heartaches you caused…If I could go back in time and be with you, I would… because the pain I feel now, still isn’t greater than the love I felt when I was with you, and I’d do anything to feel that way again, even it’s only for a moment…”
I know exactly why we can’t be together now. It gets complicated each time I think about it. We already talked about “us” a couple of weeks ago. The “us” factor is not feasible. I understand. It hurts. But I’ve got to make him happy, somehow. That’s why I willingly gave him up, together with my happiness and pride. I just hope that he’s contented with her now, but if he’s not, I am still willing to give up what’s left of me… anything… just to see him smile – he breaks my heart.
