diorlaus

> Another year, another chance

2005-11-17T02:21:00.000+08:00

With all my heart, I regret all that I have done wrong in the past.

I know that I have affected those dear to my heart, especially my gentleman. And I am sorry.

…Sincerely sorry

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past that I was aware of that I didn’t do anything. I saw karma face to face, and it struck me so hard.

I learned that I couldn’t get all that I want just because I want to. People are also involved in the process, and not everyone would agree. Not all that you expect would fall into place.

I learned my lesson the hard way.

I have to move on and be who I really am. What I should be…

And that is with Ivan. He is my gentleman. I am proud to say that he has been my life for four years, and I know that I have failed him so many times this year, but as I said, it was never my intention to.

I will go on with my life with Ivan, the one and only person who has taught me to be me and to be pleasing to each and everyone. He is my mr. right, and he will be my one and only… forever – from today, I swear.

I love him endlessly till the end of time.

Happy 4 years anniversary pusoy!

2005-10-14T14:52:00.000+08:00

Afternoons like these make me feel gloomy. I have a reason for feeling this way.

I feel like I’ve lost all the people dear to me. I’m down.

What hurts me the most right now is knowing that my gentleman has given up on me, and that he’s seriously trying to move on. It was all my fault and I am to blame.

I have to accept where life is leading me now, and I’m thinking far away – I cannot continue my studies anymore here. I lost inspiration.

I’ll do this by myself. Things are really getting out of hand.

First, my friend leaves. Then my best friend is just my best friend. And now, I am no one to my gentleman. I cannot pretend to be happy when all I am right now is a devastated ME.

Help?

> I'm not giving up

2005-10-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

My friend is leaving for America tomorrow morning indefinitely. At some point I wasn’t really sad that she’s leaving. I’m actually glad knowing that leaving would be for her own good… her future. Time spent with her was indeed limited, and I wish that we never really had that misunderstanding before, but it’s all good now. I’m optimistic for my friend.

Late today, I was able to tell my true feelings for slok. It wasn’t expected, but he asked me know why I’m misbehaving like this. He has the right to know anyway. It was such a relief that was able to get it off my system. And now, I truly understand what I need to be right now to him and to the people affected. He’s my bestfriend now, and whatever happens: no strings attached. We’re cool. That’s all that matters.

I guess all of these things happen for a reason. I should stop hurting my gentleman and continue on what we had before. I guess that’s the best thing to do. I wouldn’t replace three long years because I’m blinded on what really is “us”. I know he wants me back, and believe me when I say that I’ll do anything to love him back. He’s important to me. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Three years is senseless if I give up on him now.

> Speechless

2005-10-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

"Ito na ang pinakamalungkot na araw sa buong buhay ko.

Tulungan ninyo ako para makalimutan ko sha."

> Just to see him smile

2005-10-03T23:44:00.000+08:00

I’m lying on the same bed he slept three nights ago. Memories keep on flashing. I’m just glad that we’re cool about all of these. Funny how we’ve gone this close. It’s special and yet wrong.

If only I could, I would send this message to him like I did 4 years ago… yes, I’ve kept it all throughout the years:

“Given the chance, I would fall inlove with you all over again though I know the way the story ends… and even after all the hurt you brought, even after all the heartaches you caused…If I could go back in time and be with you, I would… because the pain I feel now, still isn’t greater than the love I felt when I was with you, and I’d do anything to feel that way again, even it’s only for a moment…”

I know exactly why we can’t be together now. It gets complicated each time I think about it. We already talked about “us” a couple of weeks ago. The “us” factor is not feasible. I understand. It hurts. But I’ve got to make him happy, somehow. That’s why I willingly gave him up, together with my happiness and pride. I just hope that he’s contented with her now, but if he’s not, I am still willing to give up what’s left of me… anything… just to see him smile – he breaks my heart.

> Deja Vu

2005-09-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

I’ve been browsing through my 2001 planner and it surprised me how hurt I was when Slok and I broke up.

All throughout the years, I’ve been denying about our past. That it was nothing. That I decided too early…and as I read through, I realized that I actually missed the person and that our breakup was something we never really wanted. That’s how we talked about it lately. I was head over heels inlove with him.

Déjà vu.

How I wish that I never gave up on such guy. I kept on denying the inevitable. That one day we’ll fall inlove with each other again. I have fallen inlove with him. And I’m waiting… I’ll be waiting for his time… hoping that I’ll catch him when he falls for me.

He’s all that my heart beats for. This can’t be…

> He caught me red handed

2005-09-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

It gets complicated each time.

I’m hurt for all the things that’s been happening to me lately. I have friends I have to give way to. I have a gentleman who loves me but I cannot love the same way again. And I have a special friend whom I dearly like, but couldn’t look my way. It’s a one way road now, and I have to deal with it.

When does love become a commitment?

I am trying to accept the way life is leading me to now. I have no focus on what I’ve always wanted. I find myself tremendously thinking of him. Slok.

He’s back in my heart again. He caught me red handed. I am continuously fighting the feeling, and it’s the worst battle I’ve been to. I cannot defend myself for what should not be.

It’s stupid how I’ve given up all my happiness for a friend. But I stand by what I believe in – that friendship is greater than the feeling of being inlove.

Restless.

> I remember it all well

2005-09-16T13:08:00.000+08:00

OK... so here is a perfect example of a person so depressed.

I wrote a freakin' poem out of nowhere!

So corny man! But I'd like to share it with you, regardless:

I remember it all well…

The moment I opened my eyes,

I saw you near.

So close to resist,

A feeling that we both shared.

It was cool,

Knowing how you kissed me

How it all felt,

I wouldn’t replace a thing.

I know it wasn’t right,

You knew too

But the feeling was too much

Too strong

It conquered our mind.

I am not ashamed to face the truth

Of what I truly am to you

I wanted to scream

I wanted to cry

But I had no right

Coz my love, it wasn’t me you wanted

It was just the kiss,

And a friend was all I am to you.

> Turn back time

2005-09-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

A friend sent me this message:

"Many of us find it difficult to move on after a failed relationship. Because we pretend and make ourselves believe that it isn’t really over. There is nothing wrong with loving a person but when this feeling traps us in a world beyond what is real, then we are bound to get hurt. Letting go means accepting the fact that we are alone now and what used to be “us” will just be “me” and it just has to be like that until we recover from our fall. We should give ourselves time to greave. Like any fresh wound, pain will always be there. But after the hurting comes healing and after healing comes a new hope to build our lives again.”

I guess I can have all the hope in the world, but the wound would always leave a scar in my heart. I’m still hurt from what USED to be a problem. I guess I’m a little paranoid or perhaps, psychotic. I have so much going on in my mind right now. All of which dominates my memories with him. Slok.

I was surprised to read last night a diary that I had kept for 4 years, and it scares me how much I actually liked him before. And knowing from a friend that he didn’t actually wanted to let go of that common sentiment, makes me perceive that what we both felt for each other before was true and precious. It’s all good.

If only I could turn back time…

> I'm talking shit again

2005-09-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

So far so good. I am able to cope up with my problem. Special thanks to my dear friends. You know who you are.

I was thinking, three days in a row, what is it with love that it gives such a big impact to ordinary people like me? Guilt, Loneliness, Joy… these are the same feelings, like that of love. But why do people make such a big deal out of it?

Love is not certain nor does it have direct answers to endless questions. But I’ve learned that love can be different meanings combined to one. Love can be happy. It can hurt. It can also be overwhelming. Love can see through people. It can bring forth enemies. Love is a cliché. It’s nothing – nothing until one gets caught and trapped.

I’ve been inlove a couple of times, with different personalities of course. And yes, it brought me to feel differently, sometimes, be ignorant of what is obviously wrong.

Shit happens.

That’s how I start to accept the mistake that I should not have committed. Here I go again.

I just wish that time would go back and redo things the way they were wrongly done. That way, it could have been easier for me to accept that it was her from the very start.

I’m talking shit again.

> I faced my fear

2005-09-09T21:22:00.000+08:00

I am finally putting myself into place. Slowly I am moving on. I guess I just needed my friends to be there for me and somewhat keep me busy.

The night started out as though I would breakout again and be quiet. But eventually the sound of him talking to me and to my girl friends has somewhat eased the pain. We did talk, casually, but in the middle of it all, there was silence, a silence that remains as a mystery. I can’t really distinguish what it all meant… He liked my friends, and my friends liked him as well. – as of now, that is all that matters – I should be happy as it is. At least for the meantime.

But tomorrow, I might face the reality that I’ve always denied through the days. I am not sure If I do still like him, but our friendship is so much different now from what we had a week ago. Fears are meant to be faced not neglected. Who knows, I still might be facing this fear for years… at least I tried.

> Forgotten

2005-03-28T13:08:00.000+08:00

A few days of vacation made me contemplate on my current situation. It was fun having some time off from the reality of living in the city. Indeed all I could think about was my responsibility as a student and doing well at the same time.

At some part of that reality, difficulty enters. It's been almost a month since I’ve been focusing myself on the problem. Nothing changed, except that they knew much about my feelings now. It's all good.

...but the real problem is, they knew about it but didn't do anything about it. As long as they have a brighter future ahead, their life just went on.

I can't blame them. Who wants to be part of a complication? I don't. But it is inevitable.

I've tried so hard. I did my part, and it's still the same. It's so unfair. How could they go on with their life thinking nothing much but themselves?

I've done my part. And it's time for me to forget.

Forget these people who were once a special friend of mine. Go on. I don't know you anymore.

Contact: erased.

> habilin

2005-03-24T20:24:00.000+08:00

I may not be the perfect woman for such gentleman but I know that what I am now is because I truly loved him.

I have no regrets if you ask about our past relationship. Every part was all worth it. We've learned from each other, helped each other and most especially, loved each other. I've never felt so secure until he gave me every reason to be. We had a brighter future ahead...

...But happiness was not enough to bring us together forever. Time dictated us to be apart. Yes, it was tough and until now, it is hard.

It was only recently when I had to do so much thinking. I found myself, not hurt... Certainly I have recovered from the pain. I have accepted that we cannot be together at this time...

...because, I found myself thinking much about him - clearly, 'him' now is not my man... and how much I am surprised that time apart made us grow and mature to bring us to this point... To make me feel this way.

I know I cannot ask for anything more than our friendship. I know I cannot dictate him to look my way. And for sure, it is friendship that he sees. I cannot blame him because I value him so much that I know asking for more than what we have now would tear our bond in the future. I demand to stay this way; yes I may be sacrificing my feelings... But I’d rather do so, than to let go of an important person and be sorry for the rest of my days.

...you take care of her.

...hold him for me pls.?

> Pencil

2005-03-22T12:41:00.000+08:00

"When he was packing them in their boxes, the pencilmaker told the pencils 5 important lessons:

1st, everything you do will always leave a mark.

2nd, you can always correct the mistakes you make.

3rd, what is important is what is inside you.

4th, in life you will undergo painful sharpenings which will make you a better pencil.

And the most important is, to be the best pencil you can be, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the hand that holds you. "

> The night that has been

2005-03-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

Last night I met new people, became friends with some, and saw my good old best friend once again.

I was alone by the way. But it didn't matter.

It was a night of conflict though, and I was somehow part of a conflict. At some point, I know that I should've just been there to listen and not to make any statement. But who’s to blame?

It was kind of annoying. Which one? The part where she comes in. Sorry, but I’m not ready yet. Not in a million years... Not this time. I've had enough of her, and whatever I saw and learned that night, I know for a fact that our friendship ended that night. Hate me for all you want, I’m really not ready. My apology.

His friends realized that I was not too comfortable with the idea of him being inlove with another girl. At some part, they teased me of being jealous. But I denied it without hesitation.

Before the night ended, after a long time of convincing, I finally gave in. We talked. By that time, the 2 or 3 cans of beer has taken effect. Just for a few minutes I was able to tell him part of my feelings. He was a good listener and adviser at the same time. Glad that he is my bestfriend, really. I know that I should not be too emotional with him, but it just wouldn't stop. As much as i didn't want to let him know how much it hurts, tears just fell. And i found myself in his arms a few times. It was special. Our friendship I mean. Time has stopped me to tell more...

In him I found a lasting friendship. But how long would this last?

..And as he walks me back to the car, he held my hand. I know it wasn't right. But at that certain moment, I knew that as his bestfriend we both needed each other. We're together through this…

He said not to let go of the person that I have now. Who?

You needed me...it's a song best.

I'm restless just recalling the night that has been.

> Night out with ivan

2005-03-15T13:10:00.000+08:00

finally, ivan and i had a decent night out. we haven't gone out together for the longest time. we ate too much though... hahahahaha ;p

that night, we slept together while we were talking on the phone. somehow, we've found serenity with each other.

we still have a long way to go, mind you.

> Bells

2005-03-13T21:10:00.000+08:00

Last December 8, 2004, my family donated the biggest bell at the metropolitan cathedral and we were all present as we heard the bells peal for the very first time. The feeling was unexplainable, only complete.

Today I went to the cathedral, not to hear mass nor confess. I was there to be alone and to talk to Him. Regardless of what people would think of me, I did not hesitate to cry.

Then I heard a similar sound. Beautiful and calm. The bells started to toll.

I was vindicated.

...Shivering.

> Nuisance

2005-03-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

I have taken the situation seriously. Slowly, I am degrading; inch by inch...I’m becoming weak.

He used to say endearing words to me. He said I love you more than much, but I refused to respond.

Nuisance.

What do I have now?

My ipod and xda. They seek nothing but justice…

> emotional distress

2005-03-12T04:08:00.000+08:00

Two weeks have gone, and my sleeping habit seem to be abnormal. Yessh. I’m an insomniac.

Wrong! I'm slowly learning the truth: I’m emotionally depressed. School this week was very unproductive, and decisions made were far beyond acceptable.

I haven't been my normal self lately. I drank a bottle or two beers at least on an ordinary day. My breakfast would consist of Pringles and my lunch would commence at around 5 pm. Dinner? At 9 pm at least. I'd be awake the whole evening, probably just staring at my computer, listening to my ipod or sending text forwards to people. But most of the time, I would be thinking about my life and my friends. What has happened? I don’t know, for I have no authority to dictate the order of things.

At school, I’ve been absent to my classes wherein I had perfect attendance. I participated in class just once in a while instead of participating 'all the time'. I'd prefer to stare at the professor rather than to write down important notes. My designs became 'unusually ordinary' and my inputs are now 'senseless'. I had less enthusiasm in school than before.

This is not me. I am emotionally distracted.

In my whole life I’ve never experienced such distress. But I have nothing to do... only much to worry about.

So where does this lead me to?

--(yes... its 4am and i'm still wide awake for nothing)

> Hawthorne effect

2005-03-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

Hawthorne effect.

Have you ever heard of it? It’s happening to me.

I just learned that I’m not necessarily important to him. Just a friend. He’s a proud friend of mine though.

I’m a stupid person trying to become his friend. Am I being tough? Or just trying hard to be one?

At this point in time, I still wonder why life works in ways you least expect it to. Maybe I do value him so much. And that I’m just being bitter. But as I said before, I cannot have him… not in a lifetime.

…Time is not sufficient enough to dictate the feeling of a person. And a person definitely cannot dictate another person to love her equally. I’m brainless. Uh-huh.

They say: A happy mask could hide the most hurting heart. I’m hit.

> Special Guyz in mah life

2005-03-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

Let me recall guys who have been (and still are) a part of my life.

Crush: I'd call him crush... Coz that's all there was to it. We were both young when we became friends. Moments together weren't as lasting. There was a huge gap before we finally realized the reality that, that was just it... Crush... Nothing more, nothing less.

Slingshot: He just hit me like that. What we had was beautiful. It was my mistake of letting him go just because I was assuming. Definitely one of the guys who made me feel that I did belong and that I was more than just any ordinary individual to him. It was more of a summer fling and yet there was something more than that… that we both wouldn't admit. He was my honey baby. Big time.

Valle5: I guess he was the only guy who was able to make it here a couple of times. We've been together twice. I have nothing more to say, except that I wasn't able to handle him.

Swing: We started as friends. And we ended as friends. The feeling was one way and was left hanging. I have no regrets knowing him, because he's one heck of a guy... that is - as a bestfriend. When we talk, we'd talk endlessly like there was no tomorrow. I know I did my part, and whatever we had was just a thing in the past. I never had him.

Malone: Ooohhhhh... It's so obvious who this guy is. He's the one of the best guy friends I ever had. He'd show his appreciation in simple ways. Having loved another woman, this guy never left his friends behind. Many said that we had a past, but to be honest... Friendship was all we had. A definite friend to keep!

Mr. Suave: Never mind. It's senseless.

Gentleman: We both had a common wish: "I hope to spend forever with you." We're not committed anymore, and yet I am optimistic in what our future would bring. We've been through hell and over. Nonetheless, each passing day was worth it. Three wonderful years was all we had, and still looking forward for more. No one could ever replace this guy... Not at this point. And even though I loved other guys equally, he's definitely my number one!

So you might ask… why? How come all of a sudden I decided to write about these people… That is because, at this moment of such complexity, I tend to think about the people who were once and still a part of my life. They taught me how to get through. I am much stronger now than I was before…

> moinx and moinx

2005-03-10T01:24:00.000+08:00

yup! we're not committed, but we're happy together...
...that's all that matters right now.

> "let go"

2005-03-10T01:09:00.000+08:00

Am I sick?

I told every person I could, about the situation I am in, and all that they could tell me is: “let go.”

It was unanimous.

Ironic isn't? How could I let go of a person who was barely mine? It wasn't as though I asked for it. This is how life works, and this is how I should play along.

I'm torn.

Am I crazy? Maybe, I'm just exaggerating the whole situation

This would end soon. I'm sure it will.

"Sagutin mo na kasi e!"

…By then, I have no choice but to “let go.”

At this moment, I feel as though I have immensely taken in the problem. My grades slowly declined, and I’m slowly loosing my chance of getting into the honor’s list again. I had an excellent start, and I’m not ending this wrong… not this time. But then again, I have no control over the matters. All i could do is to hope for the best.

I just have to be honest with my self.

> Three digits

2005-03-09T11:49:00.000+08:00

today i learned that a number, repeated three times could make sense...

over the past few days, i have to ask... was i being bitter? is this feeling right?

i'll leave it here...

> I wasn't man enough

2005-03-09T04:37:00.000+08:00

“I wasn’t man enough...”

I was at that very moment when I had all the opportunity, and yet I opted to seal my lips. I cannot let him know. Or at least show that deep inside my heart its just friendship I wanted and nothing more than that…

Simple. But how could I not tell him?

I do want to keep him. Just the two of us. But it’s not possible, not at this moment.

I have realized that without him, I could survive. Because I actually did survive.

I’m still not over this whole difficult condition… and its not getting any better.

If I have any doubts to spill, that is, because I was alone. And that moment of loneliness, in the darkness, I became conscious of a silhouette standing beside me. It was a gentleman, my man… waiting for that perfect timing just to let me know that he’s still there…

I could not ask for more…

> puhsoy and puhsoy

2005-03-08T12:51:00.000+08:00

puhsoy and puhsoy...

soy's song for me:

you're the one that never lets me sleep

to my mind, down to my soul you touch my lips

you're the one that i can't wait to see

with you here by my side i'm in ecstasy

i am all alone without you

my days are dark without a glimpse of you

but now that you came into my life

i feel complete

the flowers bloom,

my morning shines and i can see

your love is like the sun

that lights up my whole world

i feel the warmth inside

your love is like the river

that flows down through my veins

i feel the chill inside

every time i hear our music play

reminds me of the things that we've been through

in my mind i can't believe it's true

but in my heart the reality is you

can i just melt? ;p

> ...at least i tried

2005-03-07T15:14:00.000+08:00

Is there a space for another man to enter into my life?

Its a misconception. I do not like him! I wonder if I ever did love him in the past?

I'm starting to rebuild my disordered life. And no matter what happens I know I did my part. Well, at least I tried to. I have no regrets and what tomorrow would bring... I have yet to accept.

is love really the answer? Could it ever end a lasting friendship? I'm confused.

really... I have nothing to say. The feeling is unexceptional.

Someday I'll find serenity... In my own little time.

> somehow i'll get through

2005-03-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

Somehow i'll get through...

That's all I could say right now.

The pain is still there, and the anguish would never go away... No matter how I try to heal, it'll never be the same again.

I don't love him, because I cannot love him. In the past, he was my inspiration, the everything and the only one inside my heart .

When I had him, I took him for granted. And now, I shall pay the price. It is how reality works, but it is non-acceptable.

Life's full of mystery, and this time, I did figure it out.

I did lose. But i'm not giving up. If he was able to get through, I shall get through. And if acceptance is the only answer to this complicated situation, I shall accept it... But when?

I dunno...

Only time can tell. Someday, I would heal... yes i will.

> Joke time!

2005-03-02T18:26:00.000+08:00

may 3 bampira..

ung isa mayaman, ung isa tama lang ung pera..

ung isapuro barya lang............

pumunta sila ng restaurant..

...........un mayaman sbe.. "give me fresh blood!"

...........ung pangalawa sbe "boss, isang dinuguan tksa puto"

...........ung pangatlo.."boss, mainit na tubig nga..."

.................tpos naglabas siya ng gamit na sanitary napkin.. "mag tsatsaa lang muna ako"

hehehehehe... la lang.

> crazy feeling

2005-03-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

Bullshit.

I think it’s karma.

Today, a motorcycle hit the back of our car… and I was running late for my INSOCIO class. Scared of the damaged he has done, the driver of the motorcycle just drove away, leaving both me and the driver clueless of his identity.

Non-relevant.

So, how should I start it?

…the thing is… I’m not quite sure how to even go about the whole complicated situation.

I lost a best friend… And I felt betrayed… And it’s not going to be the same anymore.

Life feels a little difficult when emotions start to flow in. I thought I’d be happy that he’s happy. But I wasn’t…not a single percent even. It’s crazy.

> bothered....

2005-02-20T13:15:00.000+08:00

I’m bothered.

How does it feel to fall so deeply inlove with a person that can’t give you that 100% percent assurance that he’ll never hurt you? I can’t remember.

Maybe I’ve forgotten long enough. Numb.

Snagging…

Is it really possible for friendship longer than a lifetime be tormented by the dictate of ones heart?

I can’t say enough.

> Valentine's day

2005-02-16T04:40:00.000+08:00

Valentine's day. A day for couples to share and celebrate with the whole world the thrill of being inlove.

I am indeed inlove with a gentleman, but we're not committed. Lets just say, it's cool that way. Nevertheless, we both agreed that we'd celebrate this special day together. nothing really fancy. A simple dinner and then a movie would do.

I did prepare myself for this special day, and anticipated what would happen later that night.

At school, things started from better to worse. I felt betrayed by a friend whom I thought supported me all throughout a fight for someone who was once my enemy. The best friend I always considered, chose to be with his lost love than to be with his true companion. And the lover I always had lost his temper. I realized that I might be celebrating my valentine alone... In my house... Inside my room... Studying the history of a national hero.

At the study area, I shed a tear or more. Mindless of what people would think of me. Very much aware of my emotions. It was tragic. And then I began to contemplate. The gentleman started to make sense. In silence we understood each other. And the friend I thought betrayed me, made my day much better. And then I gained another friend. Still, not thinking about my best friend.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. what I envisioned my "date" would be turned out to be a double friendly date. making sure that the gentleman would make some sacrifices for me just to make me smile. The movie we watched was just in time for the occasion. And the food we ate was more than what our stomach could take.

I'm glad that I did not take the choice of staying home and allow my pride to take in. It was fun being with true friends, and people whom you know are there to keep you company and share their laughter with you.

I thought i'd get a tulip... or maybe just any stem of any kind of flower. But I didn't. you know the feeling of being of disappointed? I was, but I couldn't blab about it.

In the end, all paid off when I received my "tulip"... My shrimp. Sure it wasn't something that would fill up the smell of my room, but it was something that I could keep and sleep beside me without it getting shriveled and dried-up.

Being with him alone was the best feeling, and the night, before it ended... was one of those days when you wished that the world would stop even for just another hour.

What happened next? I don't really want to know...

P.s... It wasn't anything naughty. Hehehehe... Hint: the spaceship has landed.

Oh by the way, i'd like to mention a rich guy, who was very generous enough to be with us, and to make us laugh. Thank you batman. Your bat mobile was of use to me tonight... Well at least for the first time I think.