> Deja Vu
I’ve been browsing through my 2001 planner and it surprised me how hurt I was when Slok and I broke up.
All throughout the years, I’ve been denying about our past. That it was nothing. That I decided too early…and as I read through, I realized that I actually missed the person and that our breakup was something we never really wanted. That’s how we talked about it lately. I was head over heels inlove with him.
Déjà vu.
How I wish that I never gave up on such guy. I kept on denying the inevitable. That one day we’ll fall inlove with each other again. I have fallen inlove with him. And I’m waiting… I’ll be waiting for his time… hoping that I’ll catch him when he falls for me.
He’s all that my heart beats for. This can’t be…
> He caught me red handed
It gets complicated each time.
I’m hurt for all the things that’s been happening to me lately. I have friends I have to give way to. I have a gentleman who loves me but I cannot love the same way again. And I have a special friend whom I dearly like, but couldn’t look my way. It’s a one way road now, and I have to deal with it.
When does love become a commitment?
I am trying to accept the way life is leading me to now. I have no focus on what I’ve always wanted. I find myself tremendously thinking of him. Slok.
He’s back in my heart again. He caught me red handed. I am continuously fighting the feeling, and it’s the worst battle I’ve been to. I cannot defend myself for what should not be.
It’s stupid how I’ve given up all my happiness for a friend. But I stand by what I believe in – that friendship is greater than the feeling of being inlove.
Restless.
> I remember it all well
OK... so here is a perfect example of a person so depressed.
I wrote a freakin' poem out of nowhere!
So corny man! But I'd like to share it with you, regardless:
I remember it all well…
The moment I opened my eyes,
I saw you near.
So close to resist,
A feeling that we both shared.
It was cool,
Knowing how you kissed me
How it all felt,
I wouldn’t replace a thing.
I know it wasn’t right,
You knew too
But the feeling was too much
Too strong
It conquered our mind.
I am not ashamed to face the truth
Of what I truly am to you
I wanted to scream
I wanted to cry
But I had no right
Coz my love, it wasn’t me you wanted
It was just the kiss,
And a friend was all I am to you.
> Turn back time
A friend sent me this message:
"Many of us find it difficult to move on after a failed relationship. Because we pretend and make ourselves believe that it isn’t really over. There is nothing wrong with loving a person but when this feeling traps us in a world beyond what is real, then we are bound to get hurt. Letting go means accepting the fact that we are alone now and what used to be “us” will just be “me” and it just has to be like that until we recover from our fall. We should give ourselves time to greave. Like any fresh wound, pain will always be there. But after the hurting comes healing and after healing comes a new hope to build our lives again.”
I guess I can have all the hope in the world, but the wound would always leave a scar in my heart. I’m still hurt from what USED to be a problem. I guess I’m a little paranoid or perhaps, psychotic. I have so much going on in my mind right now. All of which dominates my memories with him. Slok.
I was surprised to read last night a diary that I had kept for 4 years, and it scares me how much I actually liked him before. And knowing from a friend that he didn’t actually wanted to let go of that common sentiment, makes me perceive that what we both felt for each other before was true and precious. It’s all good.
If only I could turn back time…
> I'm talking shit again
So far so good. I am able to cope up with my problem. Special thanks to my dear friends. You know who you are.
I was thinking, three days in a row, what is it with love that it gives such a big impact to ordinary people like me? Guilt, Loneliness, Joy… these are the same feelings, like that of love. But why do people make such a big deal out of it?
Love is not certain nor does it have direct answers to endless questions. But I’ve learned that love can be different meanings combined to one. Love can be happy. It can hurt. It can also be overwhelming. Love can see through people. It can bring forth enemies. Love is a cliché. It’s nothing – nothing until one gets caught and trapped.
I’ve been inlove a couple of times, with different personalities of course. And yes, it brought me to feel differently, sometimes, be ignorant of what is obviously wrong.
Shit happens.
That’s how I start to accept the mistake that I should not have committed. Here I go again.
I just wish that time would go back and redo things the way they were wrongly done. That way, it could have been easier for me to accept that it was her from the very start.
I’m talking shit again.
> I faced my fear
I am finally putting myself into place. Slowly I am moving on. I guess I just needed my friends to be there for me and somewhat keep me busy.
The night started out as though I would breakout again and be quiet. But eventually the sound of him talking to me and to my girl friends has somewhat eased the pain. We did talk, casually, but in the middle of it all, there was silence, a silence that remains as a mystery. I can’t really distinguish what it all meant… He liked my friends, and my friends liked him as well. – as of now, that is all that matters – I should be happy as it is. At least for the meantime.
But tomorrow, I might face the reality that I’ve always denied through the days. I am not sure If I do still like him, but our friendship is so much different now from what we had a week ago. Fears are meant to be faced not neglected. Who knows, I still might be facing this fear for years… at least I tried.
